I am growing up. Trying to grow into my own being. Legally I am an adult, but I don’t know how to break into it. I started by making a major choice in my life. I just finished my first year of college and recently came to the conclusion that it is not for me. I went to talk to my advisor before school ended to see what I had to do. He simply let me know that I just don’t register for classes for next semester. The biggest thing was telling my mom. It has been put in my head since 5ever that I am going to college to graduate with a degree in something so I can live a nice life…..to become financially stable. Well obviously I had no problem with that plan. I was so excited to go to college, it was when I actually experienced college, that I realized that foolery is just NOT for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Being in college was not giving me any type of life, it was actually sucking my joy for life away. Like Satan, STEP BACK.
The first semester I was fine, but my spirit for life was just slowly slipping away. I started having emotional breakdowns. I was legit crying all the time…crying about friends, crying about school, crying about just everything. At that time I began to start thinking transferring schools would be the best thing for me. It was too late though, because my grades reflected my mood….they were just saddddddddd.
So over the winter/holiday break after the first semester I started meditated and it really helped me chill. From me chilling I had a more positive outlook on going back to school for my second semester. I planned to get my grades up and figure out if I still wanted to transfer. To have a fresh start, or stay.
I went back to school in January, seemingly better. Still was meditating but that soon stopped. I really should have kept at it, the meditating did help me, it helped me from having those breakdowns.
I even thought I was okay. Truthfully I became okay with being sad, it was the new norm. I was able to get through my days, do my work, and not have breakdowns.
Then it was like a wave of thoughts happening, and I accepted that I still wasn’t happy. Deciding I wasn’t going to stay in school, because my happiness for life depended on it. I disliked being on campus, I disliked going to classes, but did enjoy learning what I was interested in, but I could learn those same things outside of school without paying hundreds of dollars for a class. All of the things I want to learn…I can learn much cheaper or for free. So why am I in school for a degree that I am only really going to use for a backup?? In my plans the degree was simply to look good and to fall back on if what I really want to do doesn’t work out. But then I know myself, I know that after the first time trying and possibly failing at my dreams, I would just give up and use that degree to get a normal job.
I am taking a year or more off from school to work on what I want. To work on some projects I have always thought of doing. I have the time. Maybe I’ll take up some online classes…MAYBE. If my plans don’t go well, then school it will be. But while I am young, I should try to accomplish as many of my wants, so I won’t say when I get older that I never tried.